Abbas-Mustan have always left me wishing I was a Bollywood star. The duo make acting seem so darn easy. Wear leather. And glitter. Strike several poses. Walk in slow mo. Stare vacantly into the camera. Deliver lines impassively. Shake your bottom to some random song. Travel half the world for shooting all this. And get paid for it too.
But being a Bollywood star is a distant dream. So, as a viewer I thank A-M for starting 2012 on such a spectacularly, sublimely silly note. Players gave me what I was looking so hard for: laughter! Unintended or otherwise, it’s a riot. Try as hard as I may I can’t get serious about it but I do treasure some of its priceless gems. Here’s an anthology of precious moments/characters from Players:
- I have done MA in Ethical Hacking, PhD on a hacker called Spider, got gold medal for that. I wear blue nail paint. And also shake my derriere in tiger-skin wali skinny pants. I am Sonam Kapur.
- I have a pronounced Tamil accent. But play a Punjabi prosthetic and makeup expert called Sunny Mehra. So I wear a kadaa in my arm for authenticity. I am Omi Vaidya.
- I am an explosive expert. Can talk in 32 lingos. But I happen to be deaf. Why the hell? What would have been lost in the script if I had the power to hear? I am Sikander Kher.
- I wear a red bikini. Am an auto expert. I use boosters to activate a train engine. What does that mean? Who cares? I wear red bikini na! I am Bipasha Basu.
- Thief Victor Dada (Vinod Khanna) to his daughter Sonam: “Ye paise maine jail mein tokri (as in basket) bana ke kamaye hain. Ye meri mehnat ki kamai hai”. She cried. Audience laughed. Basket-case!
- Jr B to a recent widow: "Chaar din mein morning khatam?" Am sure MOURNING must have been misspelt in the script.
- Widow to Jr B: "Maine kaale kapde pehne hain na". She is wearing a black bikini.
- Stupid police inspector on thief Victor Dada: "Abhi to humein inse bahut kuchh seekhna tha". May be govt should have hired Victor for training the police force. Lost chance.
- Russian army general takes off his trousers just as he sings "ye patloon inglistani”. It’s called an in-sync performance.
- “Satyanarayan ka prasad to le jaate": Shanti, the firangi wife of NRI Johnny Lever, post heist, to the gang. Oh God!
- A goon asks a #GenuineKoschan: "Sona kahan hai?" Omi's #InspiredAnswer: "Jahan sona hai so jaa."
- Meaningful, memorable dialogue: "Device ne signal dena shuru kar diya hai"... "Aakhiri twist hamesha hero ka hota hai"...
- One of the conmen on the division of loot: "Hamare hisse mein se TDS kaata hai kya" (or some such). Last heard IT department was asking for tax free status for Players.